The Biggest Change Of My Life

   The biggest change in my life happened when my kids' father picked me up by my throat and carried me by the neck (my feet weren't touching the ground) across the living room to the tv in front of all 3 kids. I vaguely remember him screaming (though it was muffled by myself starting to black out). As soon as he put me down,I ran to the back bedroom,into the bathroom,and dialed 911. I had him arrested that day. June 5, 2010. Never will forget that day. And quite frankly,I don't want to forget that day. I know it sounds morbid, but that is one thing I'm grasping at here about change. Yes, it can be a good thing. Because if it hadn't happened this way, I might still be in a bad situation. I might be dead. And my kids might be motherless. It took physical violence to jolt me into a decision I had been avoiding for years. And years.  I'm crying and screaming inside as I write this,but it has to be  known. And I do have to face myself from time to time,or I'll just go insane. It's that simple.

   Growing up, I was always a person that got her feelings hurt easily. My parents knew this and tried to keep that in mind when talking to me. What I mean to say is, they never yelled and screamed at me. I had never experienced that type of verbal abuse. When I moved out at 18yrs. old, that changed. And not for the good.

   The first time it happened was about 2 weeks after I met my future husband. We were driving back to my brother's house in his (we will use RM from now on) mother's car. I don't remember what set RM off,but what I do remember is him screaming at the top of his lungs and me crouching as close as I could to the window. We were within a quarter of a quarter of a mile from my brother's house and he had slowed the car to a crawl while he finished his ranting ( later on he called it venting) in the middle of their long driveway. I remember being terrified and wishing he would finish driving to the house so I could get out. I was literally bawling wide eyed and pushing my body up against the door to get as far as I possibly could to get away from him. That day will haunt me for the rest of my life,because I know if I'd had the courage, I could have left him then. And that would have saved my kids from all the heartache they had to endure. But that also means I wouldn't have them,because they weren't born till years later. Catch 22. And I would never ever ever change the fact that I have my 3 wonderful,beautiful children. Everything happens for a reason. I'm not saying I was meant to go through the verbal hell that I did with RM. I'm just saying that I was meant to have these 3 kids,and that part I would never change for anything. I love them with all my heart. I'm momma bear,and I would go to the ends of the Earth to protect them.

    I was 18,and I thought,maybe he'll change,he says he will. He didn't mean it. Little did I know that's called the flowers and candy stage,also known as the honeymoon phase. "I'll never do it again,I promise" became his motto. And I believed it.  He would get mad and say,"I'm old and set in my ways. If you don't like it,you can pack your $#* and get the @*#k  out." It went back and forth.  He ripped my heart out, stomped on it, poked it just for fun. Then  later he'd stick  some duct tape on my heart and expect it to hold for a while. Then there would be good times, with both of us laughing and having the time of our lives. And at those times I would think, I'm just blowing it all out of proportion. He's not all that bad. Then he would snap,and there I would be, backed up quite literally in a corner crying with my arms folded protectively over my head while he bellowed red-faced over me,calling me a cry-baby. And he's one of the types that gets right in your face so you can feel the spittle and see the bulge of his eyes. Not a fun scene. I remember thinking well,it's not really physical,cuz he doesn't punch me. Never mind the fact that he punched the wall one time and punched the toaster oven. The twisted thing is,I thought it was enduring when he bought me a new toaster oven to make up for the behavior. Sick.

   I won't keep going on about my experiences right now,but I just want everyone to know that change doesn't have to be something of great fear. It can be a very good thing. Of course sometimes it's not so great, but depending on what that change is, sooner or later you will see that rainbow we all strive for at the end. My kids and I are so much better for it. They are in counseling and will be for a long time to get out the thoughts and feelings they have been trained to hold in by their father's actions since they were born. They were constantly told by him that crying is for babies (like he told me I was a cry-baby whenever I cried) , and to cowboy up. I hate that phrase,and you'll never hear me say that,or that big boys don't cry. Says who? Maybe that's why women tend to live longer. Because they do get the stress out better. Anyway, my kids are also doing much better in school academically,socially,and emotionally. Of course they are kids and I expect them to be. That means they will have their own way of doing things and their own pace. They have their tantrums (sorry Kroger and Walmart) We will struggle,but we'll struggle together,without having to walk on eggshells. And I'm trying to teach  them how a person should be treated, and that although change can be a good thing,we also don't have to put up with anyone treating us badly, at any time. It is unacceptable.  Be free to be who you really are inside, and bring it to the outside. And don't let anyone or anything stand in your way.